i'm back but not really

It's been 4 years since I last updated and I was actually contemplating if I should delete all my posts or not.

But damn, these are actually memories. Cringe yet bittersweet memories.

I remember the very first time I created this blog (2009), which I've already removed majority of the posts. Fast forward to 2020, I can say that it's been a decade since I've had this blog up. To be honest, I don't really know what to do with this blog.

This blog has been a place for me to share and vent out during most of my teenage years. It has been through many ups and downs with me and for real, It's quite difficult for me let this blog go.

I looked through this blog and think if I were to revive this blog, what content should I be posting. I originally wanted this blog to be an escape, to share my experiences but sadly I stopped posting at 2016.

A lot of things have changed over time in a way that I don't really know where to begin. All I can say is that I'm not the same person who I used to be 4 years ago. And how remarkable that time itself can change a lot of things, a lot of perspectives. My life was in a much more different phase back then. I've been through hell and made it back. It has been an insane journey to become the person I am today. And I'm still trying everyday, to become a better person.

So I guess this is it, the kind of 'closure' I think that's appropriate for this blog (2009 - 2016). I'm not 100% shutting down this blog, just in the process of revamping it. Some big changes are on its way. This blog is about to have a new beginning.

I hope you all have nice day ahead
Happy New Year

Cheers!

xx

Mini Haul & Update

Hello everyone!
I'm back again with another update

I've been gone for more than half a year and so much has happened.

I recently just turned 21! Hello to the legal and adult life. I didn't really celebrate cause I was at work. I know it's a sad 21st birthday but it's alright. I mean, I could always celebrate later on right?
But I treated myself to some good stuff though.

What else?
I'm almost done with my CCS course in college! Why I said almost is because I just started my semester break and the exam results won't be out until the end of August. So I'm not really done with CCS yet. To be honest, I'm really scared of what my results would be like cause I don't want to fail this course. I just hope that I manage to pass this course and move onto Diploma once and for all. So fingers crossed. I don't want to disappoint my dad as I've already let him down countless of times.

Moving on.
I did some shopping as a treat to myself for my birthday. I bought some stuff from Watsons and Guardian. Lastly, I bought myself a pair of sandals from Zalora.

So from top to bottom and left to right, I got the Maybelline White Superfresh Long Lasting UV Cake Powder. I got it because I'm attending a music festival this coming weekend and I want a light-weight makeup base to keep my makeup simple. This product has SPF 34 in it as well. 

Next, I got the Maybelline Hypercurl Volum' Express Waterproof mascara. Okay, to be honest, I got it because it was on sale for only RM18+ at Guardian and it's waterproof so bonus! And I heard quite a lot of reviews online about this mascara so I thought I'd give it a try too.

Next thing I bought is the Garnier Light Complete Toner. This is my second bottle cause I ran out of my toner. I really like the consistency of the toner and it leaves my face really smooth after applying it, that's why I re-purchased it :) 

Then I bought this sandal from Zalora as a birthday present for myself. This is from a brand called Velvet. This sandal is still available on Zalora so go get while it runs out of stock.

Lastly, I got the Sunsilk Co-creations hair cream. I buy this hair cream all the time and it smells great too

So this concludes my mini haul and now I'm going back to the broke life. hahaha..

Buy sandals here: https://www.zalora.com.my/velvet-charlene-strap-detail-sandals-black-614588.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I mentioned earlier from my haul that I'll be attending a music festival this coming weekend.

And I'm pretty sure most of you have already heard about this music festival. 

(Image Source)

That's right guys, I'm going to Good Vibes Festival! I'm so stoked as this is my very first time attending a music festival. Amazing artist will be playing on both days of the event and I can't wait to see The 1975, Angus & Julia Stone, Two Door Cinema Club and Disclosure~ 

I'll also be checking out other artists as well of course. I can't wait~ 

So that also concludes my update after such a long time of being away and all. 

I'll try my best to at least update once a month or so but I can't promise you guys anything.

Once again, thank you for stopping by my blog and I hope you all have a wonderful day or night :D 

xx

Reflecting on 2015

2015, has been a year of growth and realization for me.

2015 has been a year of new beginning to me. I finally went to college.

2015 has been a year for me to experience new things like meeting new friends, going to concerts together, travel to new places, hanging out and doing all the fun stuff all college student does.

2015 has been a year filled with lessons. I've learnt that you cannot change people and their attitude. You cannot force someone to love you. You cannot expect people to be the same as you. You cannot make assumptions on everything. You cannot make someone like you no matter how nice you are.

2015 is the year where I re-discovered myself. I stopped letting people push me around and intimidate me. I stood up for myself.

2015 is the year I turned down plans because I felt like it. I used to say yes to every plans my friends make just make them happy. But not anymore.

2015 has it's ups and downs.

Although 2015 has been a memorable year for me, it's also the year I realized a lot things.

2015 is the year I turned 20, where I realized that I'm no longer a teenager anymore.
I realized that I've got responsibilities now. My education, planning for my career in the future. I realized that it's not as simple as I imagined.
Sometimes, it scares me, I cannot deny that, being an adult.

2015 is the year I realized that I cannot run away from my responsibilities anymore. I always thought that I had it easy you know? I never know the feeling of life struggles. I am soon to experience that. I have accepted the fact. The face that I can't always ask for an easy way out.

2015 is the year where I realized that being single has it's perks. But it can be lonely.

2015 is the year I realized that no matter how hard you try or how nice you are, it's just never going to be enough for some people, and that's okay. it's all good. Because in the end, you know you've done good things and that's all that matters.

To wrap things up, I really enjoyed 2015 because it's the year I felt free. Even though I didn't feel like myself but this year, I'll try to be myself more.
2015 has been great as I look back at the times where I had fun, I cried, learned from mistakes and making mistakes.

I felt like I've grown as a person. I let go of hatred and anger.

2016 is going to be a new beginning for me.

2016 is the year where I want to change. Change my perspective in everything, my attitude. Change is good. Change for the better.

2016, I look forward to create a whole new story for you. I'll fill it with positive vibes, travel to places I've never been before, meet new people and experience new things.


And finally, it's time for me to end this chapter and begin a new one.

xx

I turned 20

Heyho~ Finally I'm able to update. I haven't been able to do so for the past week because I'm busy with my finals.

Now that my exams are finally over and my semester break just started, I have all the free time.

So almost around two weeks ago, I celebrated my 20th birthday (boo...I'm no longer a teen..) My friends, namely Peggy and Brian treated my to dinner and movie which was more than enough. For the first time in my life, I have friends treat me to something and I'm grateful for every moment. They were being too nice. So enough said... we took enough pictures that day :)

Before we had dinner, we went to watch Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation. The movie was amazing. It had some hilarious scenes. That's all I could say cause the first mission movie I watched was Ghost Protocol. 

And then after the movie, we went and took loads of selfies while waiting for Peggy's ride to arrive. It was a bummer that she couldn't join us for dinner. She's such an amazing person. Both friendly and kind. Her personality just balances out my awkwardness~ 

She's just so happy all time :')

So after Peggy went home, we went to Nando's for dinner~ 

And again, we took pictures.

While waiting for our meals to arrive, we just talked. Almost about everything. The thing about Brian is that he's the most chill person to be around with and one of the nicest person I've met.

Lol. Derp face alert c:

Well that concludes the entire event of that day. I was beyond happy that I get to spend time with with my friends because I've spent my birthday alone for the past 2 years but definitely not this year :')

I really do appreciate everything they did for me. Like you know that feeling of gratitude? It's like as if showing appreciation and gratitude wasn't enough. I will always cherish those moments and I will also make sure to throw a party for them on their birthdays~

And also, the day after my birthday, Viven, Puncake, Wings and I decided to go for durian hunting. It was fun and they treated me durian. Too bad we didn't take any photos because we were too busy eating the durians :>

After all that said, It's my queue to leave now as it's like 4am in the morning which I just realized..lol~~

There will be more posts coming up (I really hope to be productive with this) as I'm currently enjoying my semester break. I'll keep you all updated :)

Stay strong and smile always~

P.S: Photo credits goes to Peggy and Brian :)

xx

Today I woke up, feeling so bitter. I don't feel like myself anymore.
Something inside me just sort of snapped. I was done. I am done feeling like this.

Ever since I had a crush on someone, everything I do just sort of revolve around him, like I had to depend my happiness on him. I'm always wanting his attention. But I am done.

I don't have to depend on anyone on my happiness anymore. I guess that's the reason why I ended up feeling like this in the first place. Feeling so pathetic and so alone. And today, I just sort of snapped myself out of it.

I want to focus on myself now. I want to do things without seeking approval from others, that's the way I can truly live and be myself.

I'm setting myself free...free from all this misery. I'm not going to take a huge leap that fast, it takes time, just like everything else.

I'm not perfect. Never said that I was. The reason why I'm myself today is because I've been through some tough shit. It's not just me who has been through so much, I'm sure a lot of people have, sometimes even worse. That's why I'm grateful for what I have now.

I also want to thank a very good friend of mine, Viven, for not giving up on on me. She offered to talk but I told her this is something I had to handle on my on and that, I'll talk to her about it next time. I know that she always got my back no matter what

I feel so blessed to have such friends around me, words just cannot express the gratitude I have towards them.

Now that I got everything off my chest. I can breathe better. Not necessarily feel better but everything just feel great at the same time. 

shit loads of stuffs.

Update 1

I always have a lot of things going on in my mind, but I somehow, wasn't able to put those thoughts into words. I thought typing it down on my blog will work but still, I find it difficult to do so. So I will try to sort out this messy mind.

So a lot has been going on with my life at the moment, ever since I started college including meeting tons of new friends which is good for me, I guess. I'm also very near to the end of my first semester real fast. I'll be sitting for my finals on August 3rd, which will be two weeks from now. My first thought was like, wow... time really flies fast. First I was in my first day of class and now I'm here, doing my finals real soon. And it's only my first semester, I still have 3 semesters to go until I complete my certificate course.

To be honest, ever since I started college, I've been busy. That's what college does to everyone doesn't it? I currently have 2 Individual assignments to complete and 2 group assignments which I have yet to start on and what's more unappealing about it is that 3 of them are due on the same day, that is one week from now. I can feel the rush now. I have this habit of procrastinating and doing things last minute which is really bad and yet, I still have time to blog... lol

But I think I can manage. Well I hope I can do it..in order to pass this semester, I must!

Update 2

Lately, I've been thinking of getting a tattoo. I've always wanted one ever since I was 17 but I was illegal to get one by that time. And when I turned 18, I could get them done but I couldn't decide and afraid I would regret after getting it done. 

But now, I'm like fuck it, if  the tattoo means something to me, I'll get it done. Even if it doesn't mean anything to me at all, I'll still get it done if I like the tattoo design. Besides, tattoo is art after all. I just have to think wisely on the design and where I get it tattooed.

I'm also planning to get my nose pierced. I just don't care what people will think of me anymore.

Beside all of that said, I will end this post here and update some other time because I don't want this post to be extremely long. 

And I should probably get back to working on my assignments. hahaha...bye 

xx

So it's currently 4:22AM right now and I just felt like doing this blog-post.

Lately, I've been thinking about some stuff that has been on my mind for the past few weeks.
I've been asking myself in my head, "Am I being true to myself?" "Am I just pretending to be someone else?" And I just sort of got tired of it all you know..

I've been an angry and bitter person quite often lately. And the truth is, I wasn't like this in the past. I used to be so cheerful and carefree, always wanting to make people laugh. What happened? Why am I hating everything and everyone?

I started to distance myself these days, from people I know. Maybe I just want to cut off all ties with people and just make new friends. But I still want to keep them close at the same time.Even though I've been treated so badly sometime when I'm around that friend. I mean I appreciate her helping me. I really do, but sometimes I feel like I let her walk all over me, like she has the upper hand.. like she rules me.. Sometime she gets this mood swings for no apparent reason, getting mad with small issues and I had to deal with it. And I wasn't just me. Other people felt the same way too.

And sometimes she can assume things and be rude about it like my feelings don't matter,

I guess when you've been with a person for too long, their real self starts to show. It can either be a good thing or a bad thing. It's only bad when you're a horrible person.

Talking about all of this, it just sort of reflect on me in some way. I don't know myself that well and I want to re-discover myself. I don't want to stay bitter and angry all the time.

I need to stand up for myself,.Even if it means cutting off all ties and having to distance myself.

Last night wasn't the greatest nights for me. I felt like shit.

My depression, which I haven't had one for the past few months, decided to come back for a visit.

I don't remember when was the last time that I cried so hard. I was choking on my own sobs, it got harder to breathe as I cried. 

I thought that it was going to be easy for me to reach out to people and ask for help, but I just couldn't do it. I felt like a burden to everyone. I was hoping that everything would go away quickly. It wasn't easy you know, feeling all emotions all at once. It just gets so overwhelming.

It's easy for me to hide the pain behind a smile and tell people everything is fine but it's not easy when I'm all alone, at night, it's just emptiness. 

Do you what it feels like, to have family and friends surround you yet, you still feel lonely, empty and isolated at the same time? 

I never knew how lonely I was until last night. 

That's the kind of feeling I have to deal with every single day.

But then again I realized that, in life, all you need is yourself cause not everyone is going to be there for you. No matter how many time you've been there for them, you just can't expect everyone to do the same.

So I took some time out and just think about what I could do to cope with all these thoughts and so far music really helps, when you've got no one to talk to. I tried sleeping it off as well, but I doesn't really work well for me.

And after spending some time crying, I finally calmed down. But I felt no emotions, just total emptiness. 

I guess that's the cycle of depression for me. First you feel all emotions at once and then feel completely empty after that. 

Dealing with depression is not that easy. It's life draining. I don't want to feel like this anymore, it's really tiring.

Right now, I'm doing all I can to keep on going. I don't need therapy. This isn't the first time I've dealt with depression.

Writing in this blog helps me cope with most feelings.

I hope everything feels better. I hope I feel better. 

My First college orientation experience

Hello there!

I am back again with another update.
As you can tell from the title, yes, I went to my first ever college orientation.

All I can say is, it was awesome. The students who helped out during the orientation days were really friendly and I met several new friends too.

We sort of had some workshops which I think is quite fun because I get to talk with some new people, which I don't normally do. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone.

I only get to interact with more people during the second day of orientation cause we were put into groups and did some activities. It was fun, that's all I can say.

I just can't wait for my class to start next week. I'm finally able to go to a college after my horrible experience in my previous ones. I'm going to make so much memories and enjoy college life.

So that's it for my short update. There'll be plenty more to come and I will try my best to include pictures this time. Hehe :>



I'll update soon.

xx

Late night talks

Oh hey,
I'm back again for another casual update.

So a few things has been going on lately and I'm going recap of what has been going on recently.

Firstly, I am finally going to college. A proper one that is. The orientation date is set to be on the 13th and the 14th of April. Yeap, the orientation is two days and I'm excited, but slightly nervous. There is going to be a lot new people and I'm not good around new peoples cause I get this anxiety attack. But I'm going to step out of my comfort zone and deal with it. besides, they're just people, they shouldn't intimidate me. I hope so.. hehe.

My class officially starts on the 20th, so I'm going to be real busy for the rest of the year.

The next thing is something that I've been wanting share with you guys. It happened pretty recently.
So about last month, Viven asked me if I wanted to try this coaching session where she is the coach and I'm the client. It was for one of her assignments for her Uni so I agreed to it because I wanted to try it out and besides, I could help her with her work.

The coaching session consists of 4-5 sessions. It's mainly about discovering your goals in life. At first I couldn't really think of any cause I wasn't so proud and confident with myself. But throughout the sessions. I sort of like, re-discovered myself, What I am worth. I felt this positive vibe. I don't hate myself that much anymore. All those positive speech she told me just somehow brought me out of the negative thoughts. It just puts me in place. I'm not saying that I no longer think of negative things. I still do but I try to think positive all the time.

So after the last session which was about a week ago (No pls don't sing that song, if you know what I'm referring to), I've been pushing myself to do more productive things like workout more and practice my guitar and stopped being so lazy.

Overall, I can say that the coaching session worked pretty well. At the end of the day, she and I both got benefits for it. And I'm glad I agreed to it in the first place.


So that's it. That's all I got to say in the somehow long post.

I hope you all have awonderful day and I'll update next time.

xx