So it's currently 4:22AM right now and I just felt like doing this blog-post.

Lately, I've been thinking about some stuff that has been on my mind for the past few weeks.
I've been asking myself in my head, "Am I being true to myself?" "Am I just pretending to be someone else?" And I just sort of got tired of it all you know..

I've been an angry and bitter person quite often lately. And the truth is, I wasn't like this in the past. I used to be so cheerful and carefree, always wanting to make people laugh. What happened? Why am I hating everything and everyone?

I started to distance myself these days, from people I know. Maybe I just want to cut off all ties with people and just make new friends. But I still want to keep them close at the same time.Even though I've been treated so badly sometime when I'm around that friend. I mean I appreciate her helping me. I really do, but sometimes I feel like I let her walk all over me, like she has the upper hand.. like she rules me.. Sometime she gets this mood swings for no apparent reason, getting mad with small issues and I had to deal with it. And I wasn't just me. Other people felt the same way too.

And sometimes she can assume things and be rude about it like my feelings don't matter,

I guess when you've been with a person for too long, their real self starts to show. It can either be a good thing or a bad thing. It's only bad when you're a horrible person.

Talking about all of this, it just sort of reflect on me in some way. I don't know myself that well and I want to re-discover myself. I don't want to stay bitter and angry all the time.

I need to stand up for myself,.Even if it means cutting off all ties and having to distance myself.

Last night wasn't the greatest nights for me. I felt like shit.

My depression, which I haven't had one for the past few months, decided to come back for a visit.

I don't remember when was the last time that I cried so hard. I was choking on my own sobs, it got harder to breathe as I cried. 

I thought that it was going to be easy for me to reach out to people and ask for help, but I just couldn't do it. I felt like a burden to everyone. I was hoping that everything would go away quickly. It wasn't easy you know, feeling all emotions all at once. It just gets so overwhelming.

It's easy for me to hide the pain behind a smile and tell people everything is fine but it's not easy when I'm all alone, at night, it's just emptiness. 

Do you what it feels like, to have family and friends surround you yet, you still feel lonely, empty and isolated at the same time? 

I never knew how lonely I was until last night. 

That's the kind of feeling I have to deal with every single day.

But then again I realized that, in life, all you need is yourself cause not everyone is going to be there for you. No matter how many time you've been there for them, you just can't expect everyone to do the same.

So I took some time out and just think about what I could do to cope with all these thoughts and so far music really helps, when you've got no one to talk to. I tried sleeping it off as well, but I doesn't really work well for me.

And after spending some time crying, I finally calmed down. But I felt no emotions, just total emptiness. 

I guess that's the cycle of depression for me. First you feel all emotions at once and then feel completely empty after that. 

Dealing with depression is not that easy. It's life draining. I don't want to feel like this anymore, it's really tiring.

Right now, I'm doing all I can to keep on going. I don't need therapy. This isn't the first time I've dealt with depression.

Writing in this blog helps me cope with most feelings.

I hope everything feels better. I hope I feel better.