I turned 20

Heyho~ Finally I'm able to update. I haven't been able to do so for the past week because I'm busy with my finals.

Now that my exams are finally over and my semester break just started, I have all the free time.

So almost around two weeks ago, I celebrated my 20th birthday (boo...I'm no longer a teen..) My friends, namely Peggy and Brian treated my to dinner and movie which was more than enough. For the first time in my life, I have friends treat me to something and I'm grateful for every moment. They were being too nice. So enough said... we took enough pictures that day :)

Before we had dinner, we went to watch Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation. The movie was amazing. It had some hilarious scenes. That's all I could say cause the first mission movie I watched was Ghost Protocol. 

And then after the movie, we went and took loads of selfies while waiting for Peggy's ride to arrive. It was a bummer that she couldn't join us for dinner. She's such an amazing person. Both friendly and kind. Her personality just balances out my awkwardness~ 

She's just so happy all time :')

So after Peggy went home, we went to Nando's for dinner~ 

And again, we took pictures.

While waiting for our meals to arrive, we just talked. Almost about everything. The thing about Brian is that he's the most chill person to be around with and one of the nicest person I've met.

Lol. Derp face alert c:

Well that concludes the entire event of that day. I was beyond happy that I get to spend time with with my friends because I've spent my birthday alone for the past 2 years but definitely not this year :')

I really do appreciate everything they did for me. Like you know that feeling of gratitude? It's like as if showing appreciation and gratitude wasn't enough. I will always cherish those moments and I will also make sure to throw a party for them on their birthdays~

And also, the day after my birthday, Viven, Puncake, Wings and I decided to go for durian hunting. It was fun and they treated me durian. Too bad we didn't take any photos because we were too busy eating the durians :>

After all that said, It's my queue to leave now as it's like 4am in the morning which I just realized..lol~~

There will be more posts coming up (I really hope to be productive with this) as I'm currently enjoying my semester break. I'll keep you all updated :)

Stay strong and smile always~

P.S: Photo credits goes to Peggy and Brian :)

xx

Today I woke up, feeling so bitter. I don't feel like myself anymore.
Something inside me just sort of snapped. I was done. I am done feeling like this.

Ever since I had a crush on someone, everything I do just sort of revolve around him, like I had to depend my happiness on him. I'm always wanting his attention. But I am done.

I don't have to depend on anyone on my happiness anymore. I guess that's the reason why I ended up feeling like this in the first place. Feeling so pathetic and so alone. And today, I just sort of snapped myself out of it.

I want to focus on myself now. I want to do things without seeking approval from others, that's the way I can truly live and be myself.

I'm setting myself free...free from all this misery. I'm not going to take a huge leap that fast, it takes time, just like everything else.

I'm not perfect. Never said that I was. The reason why I'm myself today is because I've been through some tough shit. It's not just me who has been through so much, I'm sure a lot of people have, sometimes even worse. That's why I'm grateful for what I have now.

I also want to thank a very good friend of mine, Viven, for not giving up on on me. She offered to talk but I told her this is something I had to handle on my on and that, I'll talk to her about it next time. I know that she always got my back no matter what

I feel so blessed to have such friends around me, words just cannot express the gratitude I have towards them.

Now that I got everything off my chest. I can breathe better. Not necessarily feel better but everything just feel great at the same time. 

shit loads of stuffs.

Update 1

I always have a lot of things going on in my mind, but I somehow, wasn't able to put those thoughts into words. I thought typing it down on my blog will work but still, I find it difficult to do so. So I will try to sort out this messy mind.

So a lot has been going on with my life at the moment, ever since I started college including meeting tons of new friends which is good for me, I guess. I'm also very near to the end of my first semester real fast. I'll be sitting for my finals on August 3rd, which will be two weeks from now. My first thought was like, wow... time really flies fast. First I was in my first day of class and now I'm here, doing my finals real soon. And it's only my first semester, I still have 3 semesters to go until I complete my certificate course.

To be honest, ever since I started college, I've been busy. That's what college does to everyone doesn't it? I currently have 2 Individual assignments to complete and 2 group assignments which I have yet to start on and what's more unappealing about it is that 3 of them are due on the same day, that is one week from now. I can feel the rush now. I have this habit of procrastinating and doing things last minute which is really bad and yet, I still have time to blog... lol

But I think I can manage. Well I hope I can do it..in order to pass this semester, I must!

Update 2

Lately, I've been thinking of getting a tattoo. I've always wanted one ever since I was 17 but I was illegal to get one by that time. And when I turned 18, I could get them done but I couldn't decide and afraid I would regret after getting it done. 

But now, I'm like fuck it, if  the tattoo means something to me, I'll get it done. Even if it doesn't mean anything to me at all, I'll still get it done if I like the tattoo design. Besides, tattoo is art after all. I just have to think wisely on the design and where I get it tattooed.

I'm also planning to get my nose pierced. I just don't care what people will think of me anymore.

Beside all of that said, I will end this post here and update some other time because I don't want this post to be extremely long. 

And I should probably get back to working on my assignments. hahaha...bye 

xx

So it's currently 4:22AM right now and I just felt like doing this blog-post.

Lately, I've been thinking about some stuff that has been on my mind for the past few weeks.
I've been asking myself in my head, "Am I being true to myself?" "Am I just pretending to be someone else?" And I just sort of got tired of it all you know..

I've been an angry and bitter person quite often lately. And the truth is, I wasn't like this in the past. I used to be so cheerful and carefree, always wanting to make people laugh. What happened? Why am I hating everything and everyone?

I started to distance myself these days, from people I know. Maybe I just want to cut off all ties with people and just make new friends. But I still want to keep them close at the same time.Even though I've been treated so badly sometime when I'm around that friend. I mean I appreciate her helping me. I really do, but sometimes I feel like I let her walk all over me, like she has the upper hand.. like she rules me.. Sometime she gets this mood swings for no apparent reason, getting mad with small issues and I had to deal with it. And I wasn't just me. Other people felt the same way too.

And sometimes she can assume things and be rude about it like my feelings don't matter,

I guess when you've been with a person for too long, their real self starts to show. It can either be a good thing or a bad thing. It's only bad when you're a horrible person.

Talking about all of this, it just sort of reflect on me in some way. I don't know myself that well and I want to re-discover myself. I don't want to stay bitter and angry all the time.

I need to stand up for myself,.Even if it means cutting off all ties and having to distance myself.

Last night wasn't the greatest nights for me. I felt like shit.

My depression, which I haven't had one for the past few months, decided to come back for a visit.

I don't remember when was the last time that I cried so hard. I was choking on my own sobs, it got harder to breathe as I cried. 

I thought that it was going to be easy for me to reach out to people and ask for help, but I just couldn't do it. I felt like a burden to everyone. I was hoping that everything would go away quickly. It wasn't easy you know, feeling all emotions all at once. It just gets so overwhelming.

It's easy for me to hide the pain behind a smile and tell people everything is fine but it's not easy when I'm all alone, at night, it's just emptiness. 

Do you what it feels like, to have family and friends surround you yet, you still feel lonely, empty and isolated at the same time? 

I never knew how lonely I was until last night. 

That's the kind of feeling I have to deal with every single day.

But then again I realized that, in life, all you need is yourself cause not everyone is going to be there for you. No matter how many time you've been there for them, you just can't expect everyone to do the same.

So I took some time out and just think about what I could do to cope with all these thoughts and so far music really helps, when you've got no one to talk to. I tried sleeping it off as well, but I doesn't really work well for me.

And after spending some time crying, I finally calmed down. But I felt no emotions, just total emptiness. 

I guess that's the cycle of depression for me. First you feel all emotions at once and then feel completely empty after that. 

Dealing with depression is not that easy. It's life draining. I don't want to feel like this anymore, it's really tiring.

Right now, I'm doing all I can to keep on going. I don't need therapy. This isn't the first time I've dealt with depression.

Writing in this blog helps me cope with most feelings.

I hope everything feels better. I hope I feel better. 

My First college orientation experience

Hello there!

I am back again with another update.
As you can tell from the title, yes, I went to my first ever college orientation.

All I can say is, it was awesome. The students who helped out during the orientation days were really friendly and I met several new friends too.

We sort of had some workshops which I think is quite fun because I get to talk with some new people, which I don't normally do. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone.

I only get to interact with more people during the second day of orientation cause we were put into groups and did some activities. It was fun, that's all I can say.

I just can't wait for my class to start next week. I'm finally able to go to a college after my horrible experience in my previous ones. I'm going to make so much memories and enjoy college life.

So that's it for my short update. There'll be plenty more to come and I will try my best to include pictures this time. Hehe :>



I'll update soon.

xx

Late night talks

Oh hey,
I'm back again for another casual update.

So a few things has been going on lately and I'm going recap of what has been going on recently.

Firstly, I am finally going to college. A proper one that is. The orientation date is set to be on the 13th and the 14th of April. Yeap, the orientation is two days and I'm excited, but slightly nervous. There is going to be a lot new people and I'm not good around new peoples cause I get this anxiety attack. But I'm going to step out of my comfort zone and deal with it. besides, they're just people, they shouldn't intimidate me. I hope so.. hehe.

My class officially starts on the 20th, so I'm going to be real busy for the rest of the year.

The next thing is something that I've been wanting share with you guys. It happened pretty recently.
So about last month, Viven asked me if I wanted to try this coaching session where she is the coach and I'm the client. It was for one of her assignments for her Uni so I agreed to it because I wanted to try it out and besides, I could help her with her work.

The coaching session consists of 4-5 sessions. It's mainly about discovering your goals in life. At first I couldn't really think of any cause I wasn't so proud and confident with myself. But throughout the sessions. I sort of like, re-discovered myself, What I am worth. I felt this positive vibe. I don't hate myself that much anymore. All those positive speech she told me just somehow brought me out of the negative thoughts. It just puts me in place. I'm not saying that I no longer think of negative things. I still do but I try to think positive all the time.

So after the last session which was about a week ago (No pls don't sing that song, if you know what I'm referring to), I've been pushing myself to do more productive things like workout more and practice my guitar and stopped being so lazy.

Overall, I can say that the coaching session worked pretty well. At the end of the day, she and I both got benefits for it. And I'm glad I agreed to it in the first place.


So that's it. That's all I got to say in the somehow long post.

I hope you all have awonderful day and I'll update next time.

xx

Just some little thoughts.

I know that I don't spend a lot of time updating my blog. I only update once in a blue moon

But right now, I have this thought that has been bugging me for the past hours.

Loneliness and friends.

Everyone has felt this emotion at some point of their lives. Even the ones who are surrounded my friends.
To me, loneliness isn't just about being depressed or down when you're alone. You can also feel lonely when you have friends or family around you. It's that feeling of isolation, you know? Like how your friends, they make you feel isolated because you feel like they don't understand you, like nobody else can.

I personally have been through this, being alone, feeling so left out. It almost made me break-down and cry. That's how terrible it felt.

But over the years, I've gotten used to it. In fact, I spent nearly all the time being alone. And I liked it. I enjoyed being alone in my personal space. Sometimes I do get asked out by my friends just to catch up or just normal outing.

I keep telling myself that it's alright to be alone, It really is, It's okay if you got no friends. Just know that, yourself, that's all you need, You don't need a lot of friends to be happy. You just gotta keep a couple of close ones around. I personally have only got 2 close friends and the rest are just acquaintances. And I'm okay with that. Not everyone you're friends are your true friends.

If you got a group of friends that made plans without you, you sort of already know where you stand. So don't waste so much time trying to fit in with them anymore, Focus on yourself. You can do so much more without them.

So just enjoy yourself, don't make it a big deal when your friends had fun without you. Friends, they come and go. Just remember, if you got a couple of close friends around, cherish them.


That's all I have to say for now
This is just a late night thought I had, so why not make it into a blog post.


I'll update soon

xx

sick days, go away

I just recovered from a cold a few weeks ago. Now the cold made a comeback and I'm sick again. I feel miserable right now. I didn't have appetite to eat, I constantly feel like sleeping, even though I just woke up from that extra 3 hours of nap I took. My head feels light and my right side of my nose is blocked.

The weather must have messed me up big time cause I feel like shit right now. And yes, I'm whining like a baby because I feel weak like I just want to sleep all day :s

Last night, I slept around 12:40 am and woke up around 8:10 am this morning. Did some stuff, turned on my laptop for a while and around 9 am, I went back to sleep and then woke up at 12:30 pm. It was already lunch hour but I didn't have to appetite so I just made myself some hot chocolate and 2 slices of peanut butter toast.

Right now I still feel like crap and I'm a little bit irritated cause my laptop's being whack as fuck. I don't know why it's being super lagging these days. I feel like I got so much shit to complain about but I'm not gonna do it. I don't want to make my day even more miserable than it already is.

And.. I have a coaching session later on with Viven so I wanna prepare myself. So I'm gonna go lie down for a while and then get ready for later.

This is a super short post of me complaining about everything..
I know..I'm sorry I just had to let it all out to ease my frustrations..
Thank goodness I have this blog


I'll update soon

xx

Mini March Haul 2015

Hello everyone!

I am back again with another blog post ^_^
So Chinese New Year has recently ended and I hope that everyone who celebrated, had a wonderful time with family and friends. I had such an amazing CNY this year.


Okay, I'm gonna jump straight to the haul now. I haven't posted any hauls since forever.

I went to Watsons yesterday and spent quite a long time there cause they were having a sale.

Firstly, I picked up this Maybelline Color Sensational Lipstick in the shade 645 Red Revival. It was only RM 17.94 cause they were having this special weekend sale. 

I also picked up this L'oreal Paris Color Riche Lipstick in the shade Pearly Viva Red. This shade is lighter than the Maybelline one. At first I thought they were the same. This was also on sale for RM 17.95

Next, I picked up this Collection Lasting Perfection Concealer in the shade Cool Medium 2. I heard a lot of good reviews on this concealer, that's why I picked this one and I also ran out of concealer. ^_^

My last make-up bit I bought was the Collection Does It All Waterproof Mascara. I also heard a lot of good reviews on this mascara. I can't wait to try this~

I got this Argan Oil Body Scrub by Watsons cause I wanted to try it.

Another skin product I got is this giant St. Ives Body Lotion. I've used this already and I smells amazing. You guys should try it,

And lastly, I got this Loreal Paris hair dye in the shade P66 Intense Spicy Red. I can't wait to see the results of this hair dye :D

And yeah, that sums up my entire purchase from Watsons. I can't wait to try out all the new make-up bits and also skin products. 

I hope you guys enjoyed reading this blog post even though it's just me showing off all the things I bought. hehe

I will try to update as often as I can from now on and I hope to improve my blogging skills along the way!

I hope you guys have an awesome day or night depending on which place you're from. Stay beautiful, stay gorgeous, stay healthy and stay healthy! I love you all!

xx

Messy mind.

Hello everyone,

I am back again with another blog-post. I've been procrastinating on updating this blog since forever. I don't know, it's like I want to update but I have no idea what to blog about. It's like a writers' block. I just can't come up with a topic.

But now I have something to talk about. Mainly, Chinese new year and a little bit of a life update.

So first things first, Chinese New year is right around the corner and I'm so excited yet not so excited at the same time. Reasons to be excited is because I get to visit my dad's hometown again and that is Johor! I get to see most of my relatives there. And also, I get to eat a lot. But it's a bummer that only my dad is able to visit KL this year because, my lil bro needs to study as in he doesn't get much days off cause he's in Brunei and my mom will be there too cause he needs to take care of things at home. That's the reason  why I'm not that excited for CNY this year. But that's okay I guess, I still can visit them sometime this year.

Speaking of CNY, I bought way too much clothes for this year and I have styled a couple of OOTDs and I can't wait to show you all my outfits. I just need to buy one more denim shorts and I'm good to go.

Now moving on,

(This is the part where I just spill my heart out and what I've been thinking about. So if you're not interested in reading about this, you can press exit. I won't mind and it's not like I'm gonna find out anyway XD )

Recently, I have been stressing a lot. Mainly about life.

Have you ever gotten to a point where you just don't know what you're doing with your life and what you want in life anymore? Like you feel lost and don't know what to do about it?

I'm basically at that point right now. I just kept stressing about what I want to pursue in life.

Each day I ask myself: "Do I really wanna go to college?" "what am I gonna do there?"

I do still wanna study Communications and maybe one day I wanna become a broadcaster or someone who can appear on the media. But most days I'm having second thoughts. 

And I know this is where I just need to stop doing everything and just chill out. I need to meditate. Cause all this "stressing about life" is bringing me down. And I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to stop stressing ~ I want my good vibes back!

So yes, I am done letting out most of my negative thinking. Thanks to this blog. I feel like maybe I should update more so that I don't bottle up my feelings and emotions inside my head.

I do hope you all have a wonderful day and stay happy! 

-I'll update soon-

xx

Hello everyone!
Something bad happened today and I guess I'll just jump right in to the details of what happened. Lol

So this morning I followed my brother to the car repair shop to get his car fixed. So I was driving/ following my brother's car at the back, telling myself that "I got this".. "It's just a near place", I was so chill until this happened. I managed to hit a lorry from the side while driving and break the entire left side-mirror. The rest of the car is fine.. and the lorry was fine (of course.. it's a lorry) and no one was hurt, just the side mirror was completely gone. I was so stunned at first and I didn't know what to do. I had that "oh shit..""fuck my life" moment, but I had to keep driving cause there were cars behind me. And I felt so shitty afterwards. And it's not just the accident that I have to think about constantly, now my brother  has to spend hundreds of dollars to fix the side mirror cause he know that I don't have the money to fix it myself. And it's all my fault. If I haven't been such a shitty driver, I would have save so much money and time for my brother. I felt so bad after that accident happened.

Later that morning, he told me to keep practicing and I'll eventually improve in my driving skills. That's what I'm gonna do from now on. I need to practice more even though I'd feel anxious and nervous and scared. I need to get through this so that I can go to places I want without using public transport anymore.

Right now, I still get that traumatic feeling from the accident, even though I'm just sitting here typing this blog post. Lol.. what happened this morning was a traumatic experience for me cause that was the first accident that happened to me while driving and I swear I never want to experience that again -touch wood-


So, enough about me for today. How's your day?


I'll update soon!

xx